SEXPERT-APPROVED WAYS TO REV UP YOUR LIBIDO

by Carlos Fang May 11, 2020

Since everyone is different, there's obviously no norm for sex-drive intensity. What is normal, however, is for your libido to fluctuate, says Emily Morse, sex expert and host of the Sex With Emily podcast. So, if you're currently going through a dry spell of your own making, there's no need to be alarmed—it happens! Also see MagicMen online adult shop page which has everything adult shop related that you might need.

Still, the sich can be über-frustrating, especially if your partner is ready to go at all times despite knocking boots being the last thing on your mind. To help you get your mojo back, here, Morse shares seven ways to rev up your libido seriously.

Ok, no point in being coy: Does the thought of having sex with your partner ever make you kind of cringe? Maybe you're too distracted with a million things around the house. Maybe you're too stressed about work drama. Maybe you're just exhausted, and sleep is the only action you can fathom between the sheets?

It's a truth universally acknowledged that every woman in any relationship feels this way at some time or another, and it's a pretty crappy feeling. You love your partner, you love being intimate, and you know a healthy sex life is good for your health and your relationship—and yet. You just can't flip a switch and make yourself in the mood for a romantic evening (or even a let' s-get-this-over-in-15-minutes-or-so romp).

If it's any comfort, you're probably more the rule than the exception. "Low or absent sexual desire and interest is the most common sexual issue among women of all ages," says Nagma V. Clark, PhD, a Bay Area, California-based sex therapist. According to the British National Survey of Sexual Attitudes & Lifestyles, 41 percent of women ages 16 to 44 reported lack of interest in sex for the preceding month.

Low female sexual desire is usually a complex combination and physical and emotional factors. In younger women, it tends to be more tied to mental health issues like anxiety and depression, as well as related factors like emotional connection and trust or partner technique. In women approaching menopause, low libido could be due to hormonal or other medical issues that contribute to painful or less enjoyable sex, as well as getting stuck in a sexual rut after years (or decades!) of being in a long-term relationship. And at any age, stress and fatigue certainly play a role in pushing sex lower down on the priorities list.

No wonder you can light a room full of Diptyque candles, listen to the most sultry songs in your music library, and slip on your favourite figure-flattering piece of lingerie and still not be in the mood for sex. But every expert we interviewed for this story assured us that low libido could be very much a temporary dry spell—if you work on turning things around. Here, sexperts share the tips they give their patients to get their sexy back and actually crave intimacy with their partners.

Hot, spicy, and a little messy: If that more accurately describes the pizza you ordered in on Saturday night than your sex life, it could be time for an intimacy overhaul. And no, we're not talking expensive lingerie or cliché sexy texts. T

Seek a professional opinion (seriously)

As the first point of entry, Morse suggests checking in with your doctor because a low libido can be a symptom or a side effect of a number of different medical conditions: unbalanced hormone levels, medications you're taking, depression, anxiety, thyroid imbalances, or arthritis. So, to be safe, see your MD for a chat and potentially some tests. Also see Vibrator shop page which has everything adult shop related that you might need.

"Libido issues are very common throughout a women's life span, but they are highest at midlife; 60 percent of women report having sexual problems at this stage of life," says Dr. Gibbs. "Very few women admit they have low libido to their doctor, and their doctor asks very few patients. It's an under-recognized and undertreated problem." If women have low libido and want professional guidance, consider seeking out experts with knowledge in sexual medicine or sexual therapy. You could ask your ob-gyn for a recommendation, or check out the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists, which you can use to find experts near you.

"It's important to get help because it's healthy to be sexual. There's a lot of help available for both women and men, and sexual health is related to good psychological health," says Dr. Gibbs.

Reconnect with your body

If your health checks out, the issue is may skew more psychological. "Women get aroused through thoughts," Morse says. "If your brain is not on board for sex, then your body is not going to follow."

One solution? Get down with yourself (yes, that means masturbating). Doing so will help you reconnect with your body again, and it will help keep sex at the top of mind. Think of it like exercise—or any other healthy habit for that matter: the more you get your sweat on, the more and more your body starts to crave it. This technique is not meant to be pleasurable like masturbating, but to help release painful knots, spasms, and trigger points in the pelvic floor muscles. "Maintaining good blood flood to the vaginal tissues is vital for a woman's libido," says physical therapist Isa Herrera, MSPT, CSCS, founder of PelvicPainRelief.com. "My go-to technique is the pelvic floor half moon massage. This massage improves suppleness, flexibility, circulation, and tone." Also see MagicMen online dildo shop page which has everything adult shop related that you might need.

To try it, imagine that your vagina is a clock: 12 o'clock is toward the clitoris, 6 o'clock is toward the anus, from 3 o'clock to the left and 9 O'clock to the right. Insert your thumb into your vagina up to the first knuckle (and ONLY the first knuckle to avoid pressing too hard). Move your thumb in a crescent-like stroke (hence, the name half moon), starting at 9 o'clock and stroking down to the 6 o'clock for about 30 seconds to 1 minute. Then move to 3 o'clock and massage downward to 6 o'clock, for about 30 seconds to one minute. You can do this exercise daily or a couple times a week. If there's any pain, do the half-moon very lightly and expect some soreness.

It's a sexual medicine fact: Orgasms beget more orgasms. If you can find pleasure solo, you'll be more likely to crave sex with your partner. "Masturbation helps you learn about our own bodies and reactions," says Dr. O'Reilly. "As your body relishes in the dopamine and endorphin release, you are more likely to crave more, increasing desire for sex." Sexy, Dr. Chavez says, is an attitude that requires an open mind and playful behavior. Start slow when experimenting. "Start with fantasy and self-stimulation. Learning to pleasure your own body improves sexual confidence. Get a vibrator and use it all over the body to release tension and to awaken nerve endings in erogenous areas."

Break a sweat (out of the bedroom)

"Exercise is one of the most effective ways to boost sexual desire—it can increase testosterone levels as well as augment confidence and desirability," says Dr. O'Reilly. "Research shows that 80 percent of men and 60 percent of women who exercise two to three times per week feel sexier; those who get their sweat on four to five times per week rate their sex lives as higher than average."'

If medical conditions like diabetes or heart disease are affecting your sex drive, exercise—and the weight loss that accompanies it—may help. "Weight loss in obese diabetics—and non-diabetics as well—has been shown to improve not only blood sugar control, but also libido as well," says Swati Sharma, MD, a New Jersey-based endocrinologist. Also see MagicMen online lube shop page which has everything adult shop related that you might need.

Consider kegel exercises gym time for your sex life, say Patricia Johnson and Mark Michaels, co-authors of Partners in Passion. "Focusing on and exercising the muscles of your pelvic floor will connect you with the source of your sexual power." Here's how: First, identify your pubococcygeus (PC) muscles by stopping the flow of urine mid-stream. Later, bring your attention to your pelvic floor. Inhale, imagining that your inhalation begins deep inside your pelvis. Take five or six deep breaths, then squeeze your PC muscles and release them. Try doing three sets of 10 pulses three times a day—you can do them sitting at traffic lights or while washing dishes—and increase the numbers gradually. "Then try them during sex," advises Johnson and Michaels. "It can be a delightful way to add new sensations to the same old positions."

If you're not feeling so hot, of course you're not going to be in the mood for love making, Morse says. That's exactly why implementing healthy habits that make you feel sexy inside and out are an important part of maintaining a fired-up sexual appetite. Consider incorporating some libido-boosting foods into your diet, like avocado and honey and penciling in workouts that will help supercharge your love life.

Not only do kegel exercises strengthen your pelvic floor muscles (which can translate to better orgasms—score!), they also force you to connect with yourself and your lady parts. And again, the more you think sexy thoughts, the more and more you'll want to get it on.

And since kegels are so easy to do inconspicuously (doing mine now at my work desk!), it's hard to find a reason not to abide by Morse's prescribed two-a-day regimen. Just squeeze the muscles in your nether region, as if you're trying to hold your pee, for five seconds. Then release and repeat for an effect of having things tightened up down there. Wondering how you're possibly going to remember to do your Kegels twice a day? Don't worry. There's an app for that.

Be more playful

Couples often stop having sex, Dr. Aaron says, not because they don't have time, but because the sex they have is not satisfying. Sex may lose its appeal in a long-term relationship due to predictability or boredom, so a more straightforward fix for your low libido might involve novel experimentation. You might suggest to your partner that you visit a sex toy website and splurge on a couple of things that look interesting. Or confess to each other a position or a fantasy you've always wanted to try.

"Experiment with new approaches, techniques, and role-plays to discover new pathways to pleasure," suggests Dr. O'Reilly. "Do not get hung up on the act of sex, but engage in playful games, affection, and other types of touch to reignite passion in your body and mind."

Your libido might have taken a nosedive simply because you're bored of the type of sex you've been having. Hey, you might even get sick of avocado toast (which has itself been tied to a revved up sex drive, BTW) if you have it every. single. day. So, consider changing things up a bit. "Variety is the spice of your sex life," Morse says. "It's the novelty and the newness that enhances intimacy and will make you want to connect."

So try out new positions. Buy some toys. Do the deed in a surprising location. Do whatever you have to do to make things fun and interesting again. Once you learn what works, having sex can feel like you're on autopilot. Instead, pay a quick visit to a now-neglected area, say, Johnson and Michaels. For example, "the nape of the neck holds a lot of erotic power. Touching there is relaxing and soothing, intimate and sensual." And don't forget the coccyx. Yes, the coccyx. "That's where a grouping of nerves that serve the genitals and lower pelvis are located, and they play a part in orgasmic response. Tuck a finger into the very top of the cleft between the buttocks, and apply gentle pressure. Or try gentle tapping and caressing during sex—this will send vibrations and nerve impulses into the genital region and through your partner's body."

Give your relationship with sex a tough audit

A stagnant sex drive might not actually have to do with your libido at all: It could be about your relationship with your significant other. If you're constantly fighting, or you're growing apart for one reason or another, of course it'll affect what's happening (or not happening, in this case) between the sheets.

If you look sexy, you feel sexy, and this can increase your desire for sex. "Grooming is an important ritual for intimacy," explains sex therapist and clinical psychologist Shannon Chavez, PsyD, of Beverly Hills, California. "It can build confidence and make you feel comfortable for intimacy. Even if you are staying in for the night, get ready by putting on something that makes you feel sexy. Let your hair down, literally." In other words, resist the urge to slip on sweatpants or PJs the minute you walk in the door after work. If you can't remember the last time you bought new bras or underwear, it's time to splurge (and purge the old stuff from your underwear drawer). "Feeling your best helps create an environment for desire to grow, and it improves sexual self-esteem," says Dr. Chavez.

Maybe your partner always wants to have sex right before bed when you're exhausted; maybe you're in the mood first thing in the morning when he wants to jump out of bed and start the day. According to New York City-based sex therapist Megan Fleming, PhD, the foundation of arousal is relaxation. "It's not uncommon for one partner to be more relaxed in the morning and the other at night," she says. "Create the conditions that work for you both; oftentimes weekends afford the most opportunities to find time somewhere in the middle that works for both people."

"Whatever challenges you're having with your partner outside the bedroom is going to absolutely impact your relationship when you're inside of the bedroom," Morse says. She recommends taking an honest look at your relationship and focusing on fixing the non-sex-related issues. It's totally possible these resolutions could reignite that bedroom fire.

Stop being samey in the bedroom

So try out new positions. Buy some toys. Do the deed in a surprising location. Do whatever you have to do to make things fun and interesting again. Ever had amazing vacation sex during a weekend getaway or a special anniversary trip? "Going on vacation is a great way for couples to ignite passion, especially when responsibilities like kids and jobs tend to disrupt intimacy," says Chris Donaghue, PhD. "This allows couples the chance to spend quality time together, which is one of the most important elements of intimacy."

But if you don't have the time or funds to run off to a jaunt in the Bahamas, just spend time together to reconnect—it can be THAT easy. For starters, agree to unplug. On vacation, chances are you're not on your phone checking work email or social media feeds every few minutes. If you're attaching to your phone, you're not talking to your partner, let alone cuddling them—not exactly the right mood for foreplay and connection.

Have a relaxing lunch at a favourite spot with a sunny outside seating area, spend a day at a local beach, pool, or lake, or go for a relaxing hike near your home. "Simply spending time outside in the sun can help improve your mood, and ultimately help connect you with your partner," Dr. Donaghue says.

When was the last time you and your partner held hands or hugged for no reason? New York-based sex therapist Michael Aaron, PhD, stresses the importance of simply touching your partner on a regular basis. "Take the pressure off 'having to have sex' and focus on doing something that feels pleasurable and relaxing, like taking a shower together or cuddling."

Often, he says, those actions will lead to further intimacy. "But trying to force oneself just to try to have sex is often counterproductive. You can't force desire. When you are forcing yourself to have sex, oftentimes you feel resentful and don't enjoy the experience."

Instead, he says, try "placing yourself in situations where you feel desire organically, rather than feel an obligation to follow through on something that doesn't feel right—you'll have better results."

A little healthy competition can do wonders for your sex drive because it makes you see your partner in a new (and often animalistic) light. Challenge him to a game of cards, basketball, or even a board game and mix him a cocktail while you're at it. The key to making this X-rated? Up the stakes: Whoever wins gets whatever he or she wants in the bedroom when the game is done.

Rule out libido-related medical conditions

"Gynecological pain can be a primary deterrent to sex; if it hurts, why would you want to do it?" says Angela Jones, MD, a New Jersey-based ob-gyn. "Pain can be a real mood killer. Endometriosis, vaginal atrophy—due to menopause or vaginal dryness—are common medical conditions that affect women." Low libido can affect your mental and emotional health, and mental health can affect sexual health. "Mental health is one of the more common factors for low libido," explains Terry M. Gibbs, DO, a ProMedica ob-gyn.

Women with diabetes may have an increased risk of low libido. "Symptoms of hyperglycemia, or high, uncontrolled blood sugar, include fatigue, depressed mood, and irritability, which contribute to low libido," explains Dr. Sharma. Long-term, uncontrolled diabetes are at higher risk for neuropathy, or nerve damage, and vascular complications, which can affect your ability to become aroused. Medications used to treat high blood pressure can affect libido as well. Bottom line: There are many medical reasons your libido could below. Consult with your doctor if you believe your decreased libido could be related to a health issue.

Foods and Herbs That May Boost Sex Drive

Looking to ramp up your sex drive? Or just feel a little more frisky in general? Start walking toward the kitchen.

Before we get into the details, it's important to understand that there's no "right" or "wrong" sex drive for females. And there definitely isn't any kind of rule for how often people should be having sex.

Sex drives are a finicky thing. Everything from your menstrual cycle to how much stress you're under at work can cause a slight change. But a sudden change in your libido could also be a sign of an underlying medical issue in some cases (we'll touch on this later).

Here's a roundup of the primary foods associated with boosting the female libido, including some backed by hefty research and some that may be more folklore than science.

Ginkgo

Ginkgo biloba is a popular herbal supplement that can be consumed in many forms. Preliminary research suggests that ginkgo may be useful as a natural aphrodisiac.

However, the results of a study on the use of ginkgo are inconclusive on whether or not it actually boosts sexual function in females.

Ginseng

Looking for another easy-to-find supplement? Ginseng is one that has many potential health benefits.

A small, recent study concluded that ginseng outperformed the placebo to help combat sexual dysfunction in people using methadone. How will this affect people who aren't using methadone? More research is needed, but it may be worth a shot.

Saffron

A popular and expensive spice, saffron is often recommended as an aphrodisiac — and early research backs it up. In one study, women taking antidepressants saw a significant improvement in sexual arousal after taking saffron for four weeks.

However, while this study found an improvement in sexual arousal, it did not see an increase in sexual desire.

Red wine

Red wine is a widely recommended aphrodisiac. In addition to its other potential benefits, red wine may also improve sexual function, according to a 2009 study.

However, it's important to note that these findings were self-reported by small sample size. Plus, other studies suggest that consuming too much alcohol may have the reverse effect on libido, so moderation is key.

Apples

Believe it or not, apples may have a positive effect on female sex drive. One study found that women who consumed an apple a day reported a better quality sex life.

While this sounds promising, this study only suggests a correlation between apple consumption and sexual health. It's not totally clear if eating apples directly affects sexual function. Plus, there are no other significant studies on whether apples may increase libido.