The hottest tips, sultriest bedroom moves, and most surprising advice you need to shake up your between-the-sheets routine. Whether you participate in oral sex as foreplay before penetrative sex, or as the main event in your sexual adventure, it can be an incredibly satisfying and pleasurable act to engage in with your partner. Some have argued that oral sex is actually more intimate than penetrative sex because it requires you to get close to the most personal part of someone's body. It's not every day, after all, that you have your face in someone's lap. Check out out our Magic Men online shop page which has everything adult shop related that you might need.
But there's something deeper than that, too. Unless you're participating in mutual oral sex, like in a 69 position, it's typical that only one person is getting off at a time. That can be a seriously vulnerable position for anyone to be in — whether they're giving or receiving. And since it's such a vulnerable position, insecurities abound. How do you tell your partner what you like? And how do you figure out if your partner is liking what you're doing to them?
Speaking as a male, I can't think of anything that remotely equals the thrill of an orgasm. What's weird is that, for all the attention it receives, the male orgasm doesn't get talked about in much detail despite the fact that there can be a huge difference in intensity from one to the next. I guess that most women don't know this.
With this information gap in mind, I set out to discover what, exactly, makes for the most bone-rattling, foundation-shaking male orgasms, and what women can do to encourage their arrival. I went straight to the experts — a few sex therapists, lots of men. It was as if they (the guys, at least) were just waiting for someone to ask. So here, finally, is everything you need to know about helping your guy have more reliable, longer orgasms.
One warning before we begin: Be prepared for surprises, and for seeming contradictions. It turns out that male orgasms are both as single-minded as they sometimes seem and at the same time a lot more complicated. As sensitive as men are to skill and technique, they're equally powered by mood, setting, and timing. The fun — for him and for you — is in mixing up the following strategies to see what will work tonight. So have at it.
When it comes to knowing what makes your partner tick in the bedroom, Googling "mind-blowing sex positions" only get you so far. Stimulating and gratifying sex is all in the timing, the communication, and the spontaneity, according to Dr. Bea Jaffrey—a clinical psychologist and psychotherapist based in Switzerland—and Mary Jo Rapini, a Houston-based psychiatrist and sex therapist. But what does that mean you should do, exactly? Fortunately, Rapini shared tips with Marie Claire about what actually works in the bedroom (lots of her tips are backed up by research, to boot!), and Jaffrey gave us some pointers from her book on overcoming common sex issues.
FOCUS ON INTIMACY
It turns out the best sex tips aren't always about the sex. A relationship "cannot survive without intimacy," says sexy and relationship therapist. "If you don't have it, then the sex isn't good." True intimacy, she says, involves actually listening to the other person — and opening up about what you're thinking and feeling.
OWN YOUR SEX LIFE
Rapini is insistent that "women have got to reclaim [their] sex lives." It's not just about your partner, it's about your pleasure, too!
So, how do you do that? Try getting to know your body even better, by exploring it — with your hands or a vibrator. Check out out our Vibrator shop page which has everything adult shop related that you might need.
PUT YOURSELF FIRST
Rapini suggests a specific little toy that provides clitoral stimulation — the Fiera. Attach it to your clitoris for fifteen minutes and enjoy. Since it's hands-free, you can even use it during sex (or by yourself, to get to know your body).
It may sound unsexy, but a huge part of having hot sex is scheduling it. Rapini says this is about prioritizing it. "Skin to skin contact is really important," she says. (Think about it: by simply making a sex a priority, you're not putting it on the back burner and hanging it out to dry.) The best time to have a chat about what you like and dislike about sex, oral or penetrative, is before sex — when your clothes are still on. This allows you and your partner to have a discussion that isn't coercive or cloaked in any kind of pressure. Go over what you like, what you dislike, any fantasies you're interested in, or anything that is an absolute no-go. That way, when you guys are in the heat of the moment, everyone knows the rules.
TELL THEM WHAT TURNS YOU ON
Research suggests that better communication is key to better sex—and no, we don't necessarily mean dirty talk. Communicating what you like and don't like can be instructional and informative, no matter how much you think you already know each other's bodies. If they're doing something you like, say so rather than relying on ambiguous gestures or noises. And if it's something you're not into, communicate that or guide them in a new direction. Want to try a different angle? Suggest one. If simultaneous orgasm is your goal and you're close to climaxing, don't be mum about it.
The biggest secret about men's orgasms, I think, is that they reveal how vulnerable we are. That's why they're so sensitive to the environment; slight changes in the wind can turn a 10-gun salute into a popgun. Will, 30, a bank administrator, for instance, says he sometimes finds he can't come at all if he's too worried about his job. Check out out our Magic Men dildos page which has everything adult shop related that you might need.
The surprise for me in interviewing men for this story was that only one of them said he enjoyed being brought to orgasm through oral sex. That's an avenue I expected would be number one on most men's hit parade. And it is — but only as foreplay.
We men are really looking for the same things from sex that women are: love, acceptance, and intimacy. The moment of orgasm is when those needs are most exposed, and men — even married men — can get nervous being emotionally naked. When asked what techniques produced his most intense orgasms, Richard fondly recalled lovers who grabbed him by his butt and pulled him tighter toward them, as if they wanted nothing so much as to absorb him completely.
Paul, a 35-year-old executive, talked about how his wife sometimes lovingly strokes his face as he comes. "It's about her showing that she really wants me," he says. Therapists can talk for hours about how to achieve true intimacy, but a good place to start would be in bed tonight. Tell your man how much you love him, and mean it. Then hold on for dear life.
PLAY A SEX GAME
If you have a hard time thinking of exactly how to make up crazy positions or how to change up your foreplay, don't sweat it — the retail world has your back. Start with some sexy dice that will tell you what to do to each body part. It does.
Especially if you're new, or you're the one who is giving the oral. It's hard for us to respond to direct, intense stimuli right off the bat. So tickle and tease a little bit. Maybe lick the head of your partner's penis before you take him fully into your mouth. Or use your fingers on your partner's clit before you start licking and sucking. Slow and steady wins every race — even when it comes to sex.
No one likes the same movement over and over again. So, once your partner is properly worked up, change your technique a bit. Take your partner's penis deeply into your throat (if you're comfortable) and then quickly change to short, head-centric sucking. If your partner has a clitoris, alternate between tickling the sensitive spot with the tip of your tongue and sucking it, these variations in technique make for a seriously toe-curling experience.
Every couple has a go-to sex move, and it's usually missionary. Add a fun twist to the classic position by squeezing your legs together so that his thighs are straddling yours when he enters you. The snugger fit will make your vagina feel tighter, his penis feel bigger, and create a whole lot of friction fun you both will enjoy, says Judy Dutton, author of REDBOOK's 500 Sex Tips book. Check out out our Magic Men lube page which has everything adult shop related that you might need.
GIVE THEM A CONFIDENCE BOOST
In a 2016 study published in the Journal of Sex Research, researchers analyzed answers from 39,000 heterosexual couples that were married or cohabiting for over three years. Sexual satisfaction reported being higher among the couples who revealed that they gave each other positive affirmation during sex and were open enough about embarrassing moments during sex to joke about them and move on. Dr. Jaffrey notes that this lighthearted approach to sex is key, saying, "Don't take life too seriously. Happy couples laugh together."
A good orgasm for a man is the sexual equivalent of a cold beer at the end of the workday: a satisfying reward for a job well done. The job, in this case, is pleasing you. A major part of the satisfaction men get from sex is the ego boost that results from making our partners go bonkers in bed.
The point is that a lot of men won't allow themselves to savor their own orgasm until they've accomplished that goal. "Performing comes first; my orgasm comes second," says Will. "There are times when I just want to come, but basically my goal is for my wife to find every sexual encounter totally fulfilling."
Sex therapists will tell you that although this approach is admirable — better that men be too concerned with their partners' orgasms than not at all concerned — it can nonetheless constitute a form of voluntary sensory deprivation. By reining in their passion, many men deprive themselves of the sexual abandon that produces the strongest orgasms. "Sex becomes a battle to make sure she has an orgasm, rather than a mutual sharing of enjoyment," says Barry McCarthy, Ph.D., a psychologist and sex therapist in Washington, DC, and coauthor of Male Sexual Awareness.
The solution? Give your man the night off. Encourage him to focus on enjoying himself without worrying about taking care of you. There are two basic ways to go about this. One is to tell him, as your lovemaking heats up, that you want this one to be all for him, that tonight he should do whatever makes him feel good. The other is to encourage him to lie back passively and let you pleasure himself. Sex therapists say this is a better method because it enables him to concentrate completely on what he's feeling, rather than on what he's doing. The same should go for you when he returns the favour another night: Ideally, both of you will regularly take turns teaching the other delightful lessons in the art of orgasmic appreciation.
One caution: Michael Seiler, Ph.D., a marriage and sex therapist at the Phoenix Institute in Chicago, says many men find it difficult to let go of control during sex. Don't be surprised, then, if it takes a while before your husband is comfortable turning the reins completely over to you. Be patient, but be firm. He'll learn to love it.
HAVE A LITTLE PDA
There's nothing like a little PDA to get things going... you'll both get turned on, and you'll have something to really look forward to later that night.
LET YOURSELF FANTASIZE
While it may sound counterintuitive, eyeing a stranger is one of the best ways to boost your libido after a long sex slump, says Barbara Keesling, Ph.D., author of The Good Girl's Guide To Bad Girl Sex. "Checking out other men puts sex on the brain and gets you thinking about the next time you'll get hot and heavy with your guy." Of course, a pure fantasy about the sexy barista with the cute smile is totally fine, but anything beyond that is off-limits. (And, uh, no one said there's anything wrong with fantasizing about a celeb!)
SPEND TIME WITH YOURSELF,TOO
Having good sex requires knowing what you like in bed. The only way to fully understand your pleasure potential is to masturbate and explore your body. Masturbation is a healthy form of self-exploration and should be encouraged for all people, even those in relationships. Studies show that masturbation doesn't make you want sex less; it actually has the opposite effect.
Try to spend at least two days a week enjoying your own body. This will improve your sex life because your partner is not a mind reader. When you know exactly how you like to be touched, you can better communicate your desires to your partner.
MAKE A SEX BUCKET LIST
You make a grocery list every week, so why not do the same for your sex life? "Be daring and spontaneous," says sexologist and podcast host Emily Morse. Make a numbered list of the things you and your husband want to try and set a date for when you want to accomplish those goals by. "What matters is the thrill of new places and new moves to go with them. You can't revert back to old-fashioned missionary when you're doing it in a cramped shower stall," explains Morse.
CREATE A SECRET SEX CODE
It could be as simple as, "Come tuck me in" or "You have homework," but making up a few sexy code words you can text throughout the day can be really beneficial to your relationship. Couples who use just-between-us language are happier in their relationship than couples who don't, according to a study published in the Journal of Social And Personal Relationships.
SHOW OFF THEM BEAUTIFUL FEET
Believe it or not, men do want foreplay action. In fact, research shows that they want at least 18 minutes of it, while we all thought they only wanted 13, according to Judy Dutton, author of REDBOOK's 500 Sex Tips. And we're not just talkin' kissing and oral sex. It turns out, and men really love a good game of footsie to get the night started on the right foot. "My wife, Laura, plays a world-class game of footsie. She has beautiful feet and wears a lot of high heels. She runs the side of her foot up and down my calf, first on the outside of my leg, then the inside," says Bill from REDBOOK's 500 Sex Tips books. "I can't stand up for a while afterwards."
DANCE YOUR WAY TO A BETTER ORGASM
Well, sort of. Start in an upright position with your knees on the ground and your shoulders over your hips. Lean back slowly as you squeeze your abs and glutes. Raise your arms up and sit all the way down so that your butt touches your heels. Then, quickly lift back up, leading with your hips and bringing your arms back down to your sides. This move not only will intensify your O but celebrity trainer Anna Kaiser says these movements will help you get more connected with your body and make the whole sex experience feel much more intimate. If you don't know where to start or the thought of going to a dance class freaks you out, order one of Kaiser's workout DVDs.
SWEAT IT OUT
Keeping the A.C. off sets the stage for some seriously hot sex…literally. "Sweating enhances the production of pheromones, chemicals designed by the body to attract and arouse the best mate," says Kathleen Duffy, an aromatherapist and the owner of Herbarium, a herbal store in Massachusetts. "So amplifying your own unique scent through sweating will turn him on."
A study published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior showed that formerly sedentary men who exercised for 60 minutes at a time, three days a week, reaped big rewards in the bedroom. They reported increased desire, better performance, and more intense orgasms — most likely thanks to increased blood flow as their circulatory systems became more efficient. What's more, exercise has been shown to boost testosterone levels in both men and women, which can make both partners hornier.
Yep — they can make male orgasms stronger too. And they've also been shown to significantly improve erectile function in men who deal with E.D. According to a 2005 study published in the British Journal of Urology, 40% of male study participants who performed Kegels totally regained their erectile function, and 35.5% reported significant improvement.
GET YOUR ABS IN SHAPE
Kegels aren't the only toning exercise you should be doing to maximize your pleasure down there. Turns out your abdomen, lower back, and even butt muscles help you better position your pelvis during sex, says Barbara Keesling, M.D., author of Discover Your Sensual Potential. For example, when you're on your back with your legs bent upwards, your vaginal canal is shortened. Then if you push down with your lower back muscles and use your core for stability, you'll bring the front wall of your vagina down to meet your partner's penis which basically means ultimate G-spot stimulation. So…who's up for some planks? (Don't know where to start? There are DVDs for that...thankfully.)
A study published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior showed that formerly sedentary men who exercised for 60 minutes at a time, 3 days a week, reaped big rewards in the bedroom. They reported increased desire, better performance, and more intense orgasms — most likely thanks to increased blood flow as their circulatory systems became more efficient. What's more, exercise has been shown to boost testosterone levels in both men and women, which can make both partners hornier.
EASE THAT BLOATED FEELING
Ever find yourself in the mood after date night but not really in the mood because you just ate a huge delicious dinner? Take matters into your own hands—literally. "Light pressure on your belly can help speed digestion along and help you process that bloated feeling…so rub your stomach in a reverse 'C' motion in the shower," says Kat Van Kirk, Ph.D., a renowned sexologist and author of The Married Sex Solution: A Realistic Guide To Saving Your Sex Life. You'll feel less sluggish and sexier in no time.
During foreplay and oral sex, make sure you rest a bit in between all the action. Awkward angles and pain make it hard actually to enjoy giving him a B.J., so don't be afraid to regroup for a few seconds, says Amy Marsh, a Berkeley, CA-based sexologist.
EXPAND YOUR VOCABULARY
The power of sexy banter in the bedroom gets underplayed, but it can be a serious mood-enhancer when you're trying to liven things up together. Going about that, however, isn't the easiest for people who aren't used to actually vocalizing 50 Shades-esque fantasies. "What my [clients] benefit the most from is when they go to a bookstore, or they go online, and they find an erotic book," says Rapini.
Have you considered all the sexy things you can say to a man? Spoiler alert: The dirtier, the better. Don't underestimate the power your words can have during foreplay, leading up to something even more explosive for him.
FOCUS ON QUALITY RATHER THAN QUANTITY
There is no "right amount" of sex you should be having. This is a myth. As long as both people are satisfied, you're doing great. There isn't one golden rule, but a recent study suggested that more sex doesn't mean better sex and that the happiest couples have sex only once a week. Remember — Orgasm Is Not The Goal.
In general, we all tend to be a little orgasm-obsessed. Oral sex is a great way to pleasure your partner without worrying about getting them off. So focus on the journey, and not the destination. Oral sex shouldn't be a race to the finish, after all. Use it as a way to learn about your partner's pleasure — and your own. It will make for a much more delightful experience. And if you do orgasm? Well, that's just a cherry on top.
INTERCEPT HIS DRIVE TO THE FINISH LINE
The trick is to help your husband set aside this evolutionary imperative—er, the orgasm—so that sex lasts long enough to build a truly eventful climax for both of you. Linda De Villers, M.D., psychologist and sex therapist in El Segundo, California, says the best way to do this is to start with a back rub. Then, eventually, work your way up to more sexual festivities until, before you know it, you're getting down to business for a longer period.
CREATE A SEXY ATMOSPHERE
It's not just about littering your floor with rose petals—you want to elicit sex through everything that you do, says Estelle Erasmus, founder of Musings On Motherhood & Midlife. Channel your inner tiger with some animal-printed panties and, while you're at it, ditch the pregnancy body pillow and make the bed. You'll feel much sexier on the inside once your surroundings are more inviting.
TRY WATCHING PORN TOGETHER
We get it, you're a little iffy on the issue, and you might fear that your sex life will become too impersonal if you're focused on the T.V. or computer screen. But actually, a lot of women like it once they try it and are just as visually-motivated as their men, says Anne Semans, marketing director of Babeland. Maybe don't have porn playing all the time, but once in a while it might be a good way to switch things up.
CRACK OPEN FIFTY SHADES
There's erotica, and then there are Fifty Shades Of Grey erotica. Try turning your bedroom into the Red Room one night and making some of the hot moves you are reading about. Although going beyond your usual sex routine might feel awkward at first, it could ultimately revitalize and re-spark your sexual chemistry, says Ian Kerner, M.D., author of Sex Recharge. Just make sure to agree on a safe-word before going full-on BDSM on each other.
TAKE IT SLOW
Don't be fooled by Anastasia Steele—jumping back in the game, no easing in, after not having sex for a while (or in her case, ever) can create unnecessary friction between your vagina and his penis and, ultimately, cause a lot of pain, says sexologist Yvonne K. Fulbright, PhD Slow and steady wins the race, so take a more gradual approach to get back in the swing of things. And don't be afraid of throwing in some lube if you're feeling dry.
It's a buzzword for stress relief and meditation, but mindfulness is about appreciating the present moment and all of its sensations. That can be tough during the rough-and-tumble action of sex. "Try making sure that the other person stays in their body during sex, and real experiences the pleasure," instead of zoning out or even losing themselves in it, says Blaylock-Johnson. "You're not necessarily working toward orgasm, but just being present."
You can experiment with your own mindfulness, or get him to your sexy zen headspace by maintaining eye contact, slowing your breathing, and keeping your movements languid.
MAKE THE CONDOM SEXY
Sure, putting on a condom is not the most glamorous part of intercourse, but Kerner says there are ways to make it sexier. "Squeeze your husband's penis from shaft to tip to make sure he's fully erect, and give his penis a few strokes," says Kerner. "Then, while you open the condom package, take his head into your mouth." It may seem like a small, insignificant foreplay trick, but you'd be surprised how much of a difference it can make.
Turns out, pitting yourself against your man can boost your chemistry, according to science. "Competition increases libido-boosting testosterone and the feel-good chemical dopamine—both of which fuel arousal and spark interest in your spouse," says Scott Haltzman, M.D., author of The Secrets of Happy Families. So challenge him to a game of pool or go for a run together and have a mini-sprint-off….and then see who can take their clothes off the fastest.
LEAVE THE LIGHTS ON
He doesn't care that your hair probably has a bit of baby spit-up in it, or that your boobs aren't as perky as they were in your early twenties. Guys, no matter what age, are visually-stimulated creatures, says marriage therapist Victoria Fleming, M.D. "I think leaving the lights on has much more to do with how comfortable you are with yourself than with the other person," she says. So if the only thing holding you back from getting completely naked is being worried about him, then fear no more.
DO IT IN THE AFTERNOON
"It sounds unsexy, but scheduling sex will at least make sure it winds up on your calendar," says Lissa Rankin, M.D., founder of Owning Pink. How can you set aside time for a spontaneous nookie? "Figure out unusual times, like meeting home in the middle of the day when kids are in daycare or school," says Kate and Joel Feldman, MSW, LCSW, founders of The Conscious Relationships Institute. Even if it feels planned, you two might not be used to connecting at this time, so it will instantly add excitement to your relationship.
UPGRADE YOUR BJ GAME
Try an oral sex move Paul Joannides, author of The Guide To Getting It On, calls "The Screw" to really pop his cork off (had to). As you move up and down his shaft, turn your head a bit from side to side and let your tongue follow a corkscrew pattern. "When you get to the frenulum [the flap of tissue that connects the base of the penis to the head], be sure to lick it for a few seconds before moving all the way up to the top," advises Joannides. More than the textbook up-and-down motion, the unexpected side-to-side action will make him go, "Woah, where did you learn that, babe?"
TAKE ADVANTAGE OF ALL FIVE SENSES IN BED
You already know what turns you and your hubby on, but what you might be forgetting is just how big of a role scent can play in getting you revved up. Research from the Smell And Taste Treatment and Research Foundation shows that some scents actually boost O-inducing factors for women—notably, lavender and pumpkin pie smells. So, try using massage oil with a similar scent next time you and your man hit the sheets for an even better sensory experience.
KEEP YOUR PANTIES ON
Back in high school, you probably had rules for how far you'd go: under the shirt, over the pants, and so on. Well, the teenage you was on to something. "It can be pleasurable torture to play with each other over your underwear, teasing and stroking through the fabric," says sex coach Patti Britton, PhD "You're building up the anticipation, so when you finally do have skin-on-skin contact, it'll be that much more explosive and exciting."
FRANKLY, THE MISSIONARY POSITION IS THE POSITION LEAST LIKELY TO BRING A WOMAN TO CLIMAX
"But there is a subtle adjustment you can make that can increase your chances of having an orgasm: the coital alignment technique, or CAT. Have your partner move his entire body up about two inches. Your partner's pubic bone will rest on top of yours so that the base of his penis presses on your clitoris. This position provides continuous stimulation of your clitoris during intercourse, increasing your chances of having an orgasm."
LEARN HOW TO FEEL SEXY FAST
One minute: Jump into the shower with him for a quick, hot make-out session. Change out of your cotton panties into a lacy thong. Get confident with perfect posture: Push your shoulders back and stand up straight. Whisper in his ear a play-by-play of exactly what it is you plan to do to him tonight. Loosen up—extend your arms high, bend over, try a split—within his view, of course. Tell him about your hot dream. Rest your hand on his inner thigh under the table.
GO BEYOND THE G-SPOT
This is typically the best position for a woman to reach orgasm because she can control the angle and speed of penetration. But the odds of her getting there can definitely be improved. Either lean back, resting your hands on the bed behind you, or lean forward with your hands above his head. These more extreme angles heighten clitoral stimulation and also exaggerate the pull on his F-spot and R-area.
START SLEEPING IN THE NUDE
If you're usually a head-to-toe flannel woman, take it in small steps: a tank and shorts, then just a tee, and so on until you're completely nude. Once you get over the nakedness of it, the feeling of having nothing on is actually powerful and potent—and may even lead to sexier dreams, not to mention a more tantalizing nighttime cuddle or more.
GO UP AGAINST THE WALL
Almost nothing makes you feel as overwhelmed by lust as a quickie against a wall (think The English Patient or Sea of Love). Pick a moment (don't tell him) and pounce. "Give him a hot, wet kiss, rub your body against his and say, 'How about right here?'" suggests Olivia St. Claire, author of Unleashing the Sex Goddess in Every Woman. If his reaction doesn't make you feel like a sex symbol, nothing will. And if not the wall then up against someplace in your house.
SHOWER SEX DOESN'T HAVE TO BE SUPER DIFFICULT
The first step is to prepare for your slippery romp, says Kerner. Set the mood by killing harsh overhead lights and replacing them with candles that cast a warm glow across the room. Then throw down a rubber shower mat—the material will give you traction so neither of you will slip and fall. Two positions work best: Have your wife face the shower wall while you stand behind her. She can rest her hands flat against the wall and lean in slightly, keeping one foot on the far corner of the tub for support. Or, face each other and have her hook one of her legs around your waist, while you rest your hand flat on the shower wall behind her. Oh, and watch out for this condom conundrum: Latex can be damaged by soap, which often contains oils that cause erosion and breakage—so save getting clean until after you get dirty.
<iframe width="560" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/WVsKSVkOksU" frameborder="0" allow="accelerometer; autoplay; encrypted-media; gyroscope; picture-in-picture" allowfullscreen></iframe>