Gaining confidence in bed doesn't happen overnight — practice makes perfect when it comes to sex, and there's no shame in taking a while to get comfortable in the sack. Even if you consider yourself "sexperienced," with each new partner you have, it's like you're pushing reset: You know what you like, but it takes time to get acquainted with one another's bodies. No matter your age, there are times when everyone needs tips for gaining confidence in bed. Check out out our Magic Men online shop page which has everything adult shop related that you might need.
As much fun as sex is, it's also unrealistic to pretend it doesn't even open the door for a flood of insecurities. It's normal to feel vulnerable when you're naked and doing something as intimate as having sex. Whether you're introverted or extroverted, everyone can experience moments of shyness in the bedroom, and it's up to you to overcome them (assuming your partner is loving and respectful, too).
"Self-confidence is connected to so many things especially when it comes to our sexuality and how we behave," sexologist Michelle Hope, M.A. previously told Bustle. "Sexuality in the context of human behaviour is something that has implications rooted in one's physical, mental, emotional and spiritual balance. It is a part of our everyday decisions, whether we are conscious of it or not."
It's OK to feel like you need a little self-esteem pick-me-up now and then. For those of you who could use a confidence boost when it comes to your sex life, try one (or all) of these nine positions — they're a fast-track to becoming a shining star in the sheets.
A lot of us struggle with being confident in bed. Whether you're inexperienced or have had a few bad experiences, it's such a vulnerable and personal act that it's easy to start doubting yourself. But instead of indulging too much in our worries, we need to be aware that our partner might be in the same position. As much as we might assume that everyone around us is more confident than we are, that's just not the case. Sometimes we need to snap out of our heads.
Maybe they've told you that they're nervous in the bedroom, or perhaps it's just something you sense, either way, if you think they're feeling a little worried, try focusing on building up their confidence. How do you do it? Well, two things. First and foremost, show them what a great time you're having, because everyone loves that. Second, make sure you're picking sex acts and positions that aren't going to feel overwhelming or make them feel like they're out of their depth. There are plenty of positions out there which you can use to help their confidence, not hurt it.
Feeling a little stuck in your current sex routine, or just want to explore some new sensations? This list of the best sex positions for women includes everything from sex positions for clitoral stimulation and the best positions for using a vibrator to the anal sex positions for every level and the sex positions for two female partners. (Regardless of which positions you try, also consider adding some aspects of tantric sex into your session to make it even more intimate.)
Take your pick, and give a few of these best sex positions a whirl—but don't be afraid to experiment even further to figure out exactly what works for you and your partner.
The best part? They're all expert-approved. We tapped Lisa Finn, sex educator at Babeland; Carol Queen, Ph.D., Good Vibrations sexologist; Layla Martin, tantra teacher and host of the YouTube series Epic Sex & Legendary Longing; Alicia Sinclair, certified sex educator and CEO of b-Vibe; Jennifer Landa, M.D., an ob-gyn at BodyLogicMD in Orlando, FL; Amy Boyajian, co-founder and CEO of Wild Flower; Evan Goldstein, M.D., CEO and founder of Bespoke Surgical; Resa Weinstein, sex, relationship, and confidence coach; sex educator Tyomi Morgan; sex coach Amy Levine; and Megwyn White, somatic sensuality guide and director of education at Satisfyer, among others (!!) to get tips and expertise on why these will rock your world.
If you're feeling awkward and unsure of yourself in bed, you aren't alone. A lot of us lack confidence in a severe way, and that can be a major factor in our ability to have some fun between the sheets. Check out out our Vibrator shop page which has everything adult shop related that you might need.
Angie Rowntree, founder and producer of the Porn For Women site Sssh.com, says that although building confidence in bed is far more of a psychological process than simply finding the "right positions," a few sex positions, locations and the introduction of sex toys can really assist in taking charge.
"One great way to build sexual confidence is to have sex just about anywhere that isn't in a bed. Sex in the shower. Sex in the kitchen. Sex on the beach. Sex in the backyard. Sex on the roof. By experimenting with alternative locations for love-making, this creates a 'disconnect' for any ingrained confidence issues you may have associated with sex in the bedroom," says Rowntree.
Rowntree also advises bringing sex toys into the mix.
If your life—and sex life in particular—have been feeling a little vanilla these days, it may be time to try some other flavours in the ice-cream shop. And by ice-cream shop, I mean your bedroom, and by other flavours, I mean kinky sex. What exactly is kinky sex, you ask? Good question. Since the term gets thrown around a lot, it carries a lot of ambiguity. At its most basic, kink means a departure from sexual norms, whether that's by inserting props—handcuffs, feathers, paddles, plugs—into your routine, or exploring sexual fantasies (role-play, especially), BDSM, or rough sex, to name a few.
Your brand of kink might be sex with multiple partners at once; it might be having your partner secretly use a remote control vibrator on you while you're out with friends; it might be light choking. Whatever you're into, know that there are tons—tons—of people out there who get off on precisely the same thing.
If you've never veered off from your usual activities, licensed sex therapist Vanessa Marin suggests easing your way in. "I think a lot of people, for some reason, have this idea that if you're going to try kink, you have to go all the way. You don't. That's still really intimidating and can actually lead to a lot of difficulties," she says. Testing out nipple clamps or choking during your first foray, for example, may not be the best place to start.
Before springing bondage gear on your partner, you should definitely discuss your boundaries and desires, and make sure you're on the same page about what you're both down to try, she says. And consider stealing a tip from Fifty Shades (ya know, the icon of kinky sex for the last decade): Come up with a mutual safe word in case one of you gets uncomfortable and wants to stop things in their tracks.
So now that that's all out of the way, how do you dip your toe in rougher waters? Depending on what you like, the first step might be as simple as adding a few simple maneuvers to your erotic menu. These ten positions for kinky sex are an incredible (read: next-level orgasm guaranteed) way to start.
"To gain some confidence, something as simple as a little vibrator can help out as it shifts part of the focus away from you. The side benefit of this is when your partner uses it on your clit, it will greatly increase the chances of having a toe-curling orgasm," she continues. When you feel scared, shy, apprehensive, inhibited or anxious about sex (maybe even a combo of all of these!) it's easy to stick to the sexual position that you have come to rely upon. I'm talking about the one we all know and love - missionary. Check out out our Magic Men dildos page which has everything adult shop related that you might need.
When I work with women that feel shy about sex, have always had the same sexual partner and/or feel like they never had much of a sex education, it is all too common that she keeps having sex in missionary because it is all she knows. She actually can't get creative in sex because she hasn't been informed as to what else is possible.
This is totally normal!
It may sound like an oxymoron, but the only way to be comfortable is to get out of your comfort zone in the first place. For people who aren't as confident taking charge, the best thing you can do is just bite the bullet and go for a dominant sex position to see how you feel in it. Climb on top, and learn how to work your hips to help yourself (and your partner) achieve orgasm. It might take a few tries to figure out the right combo of rhythm and speed, but you'll be glad you put in the effort. Check out out our Magic Men lube page which has everything adult shop related that you might need.
Your partner basically just has to lie there. You straddle them and lower yourself down. You can lean forward or backward, bounce or grind. Just really let yourself go for it.
Why It Helps Them: Sometimes, you need to do the work. This is a position that they can lay down and enjoy, but it builds their confidence watching you enjoy yourself. Plus, it's an amazing view.
"If you're looking to have clitoral stimulation during sex without a toy or without having to get hands involved, cowgirl is the best way to do it," says Finn. In this position, you're kneeling and straddling your partner, facing them.
To make it one of the best sex positions for orgasm, add lube: "With the addition of lube, this position is really good for grinding your pelvis against your partner for clit stimulation," says Finn, since, otherwise, skin that isn't super hydrated can make friction unpleasant. Also try leaning back and holding on to your partner's legs, or leaning forward to hold on to their shoulders. How far forward or back you lean will change the angle and the different spots you might hit to reach that clit orgasm.
You might think this position feels too exposed, especially if you feel less-than-confident about your breasts or tummy. "But men are such visual creatures that your lover will be thrilled to get an eyeful of your naked body, on top and in control, rhythmically riding him for your own pleasure. Choose not to focus on what's jiggling, and instead, boost your confidence by commanding his total attention. Make eye contact, caress your breasts and C-spot, and lose yourself in the pleasure," says sex expert Dana Myers.
Now it's time for you to take the reins: The cowgirl presents an optimal opportunity to dominate your partner, an easy way in to full-on BDSM. Before you straddle them, maybe blindfold their eyes with a silk scarf or tie. With their consent, you can also tread into bondage territory.
"If you're really a beginner and feeling shy, you can just start with having one partner hold the other's hands over their head," Marin says. "You get that feeling of it, and you can get a sense of whether that's something you both like without having to buy anything new." Or use the same scarf or tie to restrain their wrists—just keep the knots loose if it's your first time.
Either way, this position puts you in charge, so experiment with tweaking or twisting your partner's nipples, or—if you have a male partner—grabbing his balls.
Do It: Straddle your partner at their pelvis, pushing off their chest and sliding up and down their thighs. Lean back, hold their wrists down you do you, cowgirl.
How To Do It: It's a classic, so you'll both be able to get into it easily. You get on your hands and knees and spread your legs so they can kneel in-between them. Then they enter you from behind.
Why It Helps Them: You know how you can feel like a porn star in cowgirl? This is the position where your partner gets to feel like one. And it's not even very hard to do. Plus, you're getting G-spot stimulation — and your hands are free for clit play, so you're sure to enjoy it too.
Another position that can help you open up? Doggy style. It's perfect because it allows both partners, regardless of gender, to play an active role.
For example, if you're with someone who's entering you from behind, you can still work your hips or use a free hand on your clitoris — or even try out a vibrator. You may gain confidence by taking an active role in your own pleasure.
Just like it sounds, doggy style is where you get on all fours, leaning on your hands or forearms, and your partner enters you from behind. "Doggy style gives a tighter fit than facing positions, and it's great for G-spot stimulation," says Finn. Make one small tweak to make this one of the best sex positions for women for orgasming too: "Because your partner is resting against your body, it could potentially free up one or both hands so they could stimulate your clit while holding your body close," says Finn. Or, balance on one arm so you can free up a hand of your own. (Hello, core workout!)
Going into penetration with your face down on the mattress is great for those times where you are weary or for those times where the weight on top of you is really welcome (in a bad mood it can be smothering, other times, it is kind of like being cocooned). As you lie down, your partner enters you slowly from behind.
I like this one because it captures some of the doggy style essences without the doggy part. It also usually has a nice pace because it is a little more challenging to thrust quickly when access to your vagina is a little more nuzzled down compared to the way your vagina can feel exposed in doggy.
It is also one of the positions that give us the best chance to have our anterior-fornix erotic (AFE) zone stimulated, which is located high up the vaginal wall on the front near the cervix. As your partner penetrates you, they need to be positioned in a way where their cock is angling toward your front vaginal wall (that's the wall that is closest to the mattress/parallel to the mattress).
For people who are just starting out, Marin recommends this classic: "Probably the easiest position to try is doggy style because it already feels like a little more animalistic position and lends itself really well to spanking, hair-pulling, and things like pinching the nipples."
Do It: Kneeling on all fours, have your partner enter you from behind, either while he's standing and you're stationed on the bed, or he's on his knees behind you. Same-sex partners could consider a strap-on or just use fingers for penetration. Either way, try roughing things up by tweaking nipples, grabbing hair, and smacking butts.
Weak In The Knees
A huge part of being confident in bed is feeling comfortable with your partner, and this position is sure to make that happen ASAP. For lack of a better phrase, this position puts you all up in each other's business and is extremely intimate. Oral sex as a whole can really help you connect emotionally with your partner, and good old fashioned face-sitting is the perfect way to bring you and your partner together and give you both the confidence to tackle even more risque sex moves.
If you go crazy for oral sex, switch up the angle by having your partner lay on their back, and straddle their mouth. "This position can make the receiver feel sexy and empowered, while also being more in control of the movements and sensation," says Boyajian. And it gives your partner an incredible view of and access to your chest.
To ramp up the intimacy, look down and directly into your partner's eyes—nothing's hotter than looking into your partner's eyes as they pleasure you. You might even try talking dirty to them while they do so.
Did you really think I'd get through a kinky-sex roundup without including the one and only Reverse Cowgirl? This position is naturally kinky, because it gives your partner a full (and blessed) view of your backside as you ride them, and they can reach around to touch your clitoris, breasts, belly button, butthole, inner thighs yeah, you get it.
What's more, they can pull your hair, and you can twist around to choke them. The options are really endless. Do It: Your partner lies on his back; you straddle him, facing his feet. So simple!
Being on top will help to build your confidence because you control the pace, rhythm, depth and movements to please both yourself and your partner.
"Giving your partner a rearview can be super-hot. I had a friend in the 90s who said 'everyone is Pamela Anderson from behind.' And though the reference is dated, many women find that they overcome their fear of being on top by simply turning to face their partner's feet," says sexologist Dr. Jess.
Just like traditional on top, the reverse cowgirl sex position is all about getting comfortable taking the lead when it comes to sex. This has the added bonus of helping you be more confident about your, ahem, assets, which might take some getting used to. If you're accustomed to variations of missionary sex (and there's no shame in that), trying a position with less eye contact can feel a little weird. It makes things more primal because you're just focusing on the physical sensations. Of course, there's nothing wrong with emotional intimacy during sex, but it could help you gain the confidence to know you have another trick up your sleeve.
It may seem like a position as "gentle" as spooning might not have the ability to make you more confident in bed, but that's not the case. In this position, it will be difficult for the little spoon to do a whole lot of kissing and touching. So if you're the big spoon and you're touching your partner, you're the one who's setting the pace and making it intimate. If you're spooning during foreplay, you can take the lead and kiss your partner's neck while touching them from behind, and make it all about their pleasure. It can be a lesson in building intimacy, which in turn will make you more confident.
How To Do It: Another laying down one, but make sure your hips are above your partner's. You should be pressed up close so they can enter you from behind — it may take a couple of tries, so lift your top leg to make room if you need to.
Why It Helps Them: The ultimate comfort position. You get to feel close, connected, and have amazingly deep penetration and G-spot stimulation. It's like a damn hug of a sex position.
We get so focused on our own insecurities in bed, and it can be easy to forget that our partner might be having the same feelings. Make sure that you take charge and focus on positions that won't overwhelm your partner — but mostly it's about showing them what a great time you're having.
Don't write this off as basic: Missionary might just be one of the best sex positions for women to have an orgasm. "Missionary is classic for a reason," says Finn of the tried-and-true position. "General contact is really nice and deep, and you can talk, kiss, bite, and make eye contact." To get that clitoral stimulation, though, the person on the bottom should grind their pelvis against their partner. "That will make the position feel even better," she says.
The Three-Legged Dog
Another confidence hurdle you might eventually need to overcome? Learning how to navigate standing sex positions. I'm only 5'3", so I'll be the first to admit that positions like this make me nervous, just because of the logistical problems that can pop up.
But it's well worth the energy to do some extra stretching and see if this position will work for you and your partner. It's fun and can come in handy in case you're ever having sex in some place where a bed isn't available.
This is great position for getting steamy in the shower—but you can use this standing sex position anywhere with a wall. Here's how: Lean your back against a wall, then when your partner is between your legs, wrap one leg around their hips. Have them grab onto your thigh to stabilize you as they thrust.
If that feels unstable, Finn suggests positioning yourself where there's a nearby shelf, ledge, or stool, and using it for extra support. "Propping your leg up on the ledge instead of wrapping it around your partner's body can increase how secure you feel during penetration." Plus, depending on how high up the ledge is, it may help open your body up for deeper strokes.
<iframe width="560" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/WVsKSVkOksU" frameborder="0" allow="accelerometer; autoplay; encrypted-media; gyroscope; picture-in-picture" allowfullscreen></iframe>